Couple reasons. One I won't mention, but the other being that here I am, 30 years old (almost 31!) a PhD student and I feel I have no aesthetic at all. I have concept. I have ideas. Some funny, some serious, some artsy, but nothing concrete that really DEFINES ME. My concept is this: shoot or produce with any materials at hand, by any means necessary. So, my work is as frenetic and un-definable as my influences. I love Werner Herzog, Alfred Hitchcock and Stan Brakhage. In film alone, this straddles so many genres and approaches. I love Saturday Night Live, Days of Our Lives and Battlestar Galactica. Okay. Does this mean I'm versatile or good at nothing?
I know I'm a great teacher/professor, whether in film theory 101 or teaching students how to shoot and edit. I think of it as "painting with light" like Joel taught me.
Today, I gave a PowerPoint about "who I am." I briefly went over my degrees, work experience, and philosophy (i.e - shoot whatever, whenever with whatever). I showed Lee Plaza Volunteer, the opening Re-Cap montage of As the Lights Dim Episode 4 and one of my newest pieces, the collaborative film Intentional Fallacy. Very good responses...but still, I felt so pedestrian...
Maybe I'm just being sensitive (see unmentionable cause #1) and highly skeptical of myself, but I did present with confidence and security. I'm proud of my work. I won't apologize because it doesn't fit into a nice little bundle or a simple category. I transcend genre, dammit!
But I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Literally. My camera bag, tripod and backpack are fucking heavy. After going to Kerepesi yesterday to shoot, I've been having horrendous muscle spasms in my shoulders from the bulk of my equipment load. My feet hurt. My body aches all over. All I want to do is drink to take away the pain. Beyond the physical pain is the emotional and psychological weight of my project. Suppose I don't fulfill my expectations of this residency? Suppose I never find my grandmother's grave? Suppose I fail at telling the story of my family with compassion, honesty and above all else, a sense of story?
I am only one person. In a foreign land (though it is my home land). I will do the best I can under the circumstances. I expect no pity...I simply want understanding. As these days of the residency move on, I need to find some peace within myself and allow some room for failure. And to consider failure as something else perhaps...as experience, discovery and wonder.
1 comment:
Most people travel to escape their everyday lives, to have hedonistic fun, learn about the region - but only to a casual degree. What you are doing with your project is impressive, and inspired by ideas beyond just expansion of yourself. You are trying to tell the story of so many people - by telling the story of a few. In 19 years or so, when hot flashes replace cyclicial days of bloated angst and self-doubting irritation, you'll be able to see yourself more clearly - and see the enormity of your heart in this project, and appreciate your bravery. Then you'll curse bitterly about how HOT it is in here... but with a smirky, hard-earned conviction and a solid sense of yourself - made more cohesive by your efforts and all the challenges you faced during this very adventure. So get out there and collect more data! Your unique voice is just starting to emerge.
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