How do you solve a problem like Maria?

LCD Soundsystem is on repeat in my head (new album, yes!!!) in combat with the soundtrack to The Sound of Music. How strange!!! While I figure out my life here in Pittsburgh I also take great pleasure in the solid and confirmed fact that I am a constant lover, a master of the faux pas, socially a bit awkward, somewhat of a do-nothing recluse and a professional babysitter. So much is up in the air with my academic career and I'm juggling, ridiculously. 2nd set of comps for PhD in 2 weeks -- not ready. Final stretch of my first semester at PPU, maybe my last? Maybe the beginning of full-time? I've got some other apps out, still have no idea where I stand in terms of the FINAL FOUR outcome at PPU. I'm keeping on with my professional career-oriented self though, I love the Cinema & Digital Arts program and the way it works, the faculty, the entire premise, set-up and execution. Feels good here, want to stay but beyond my control.

Good news as always, I think I'll be tutoring Final Cut and filmmaking to a 14 year old girl this spring/summer. How fun!!! I can't wait. This takes my passion for teaching and interest in like-minded youngsters to an entirely different level and I can't wait to help her craft her narratives and hone her knowledge as a writer, shooter, editor. Maybe she's an Oscar winner and I get a big thanks! I imagine what it would have been like if I'd had a mentor or someone who knew and cared about my creative ideas at that age -- someone who wasn't my parents or my friends or their sympathetic parents who felt sorry for me and the neglect they saw. Nope. Just someone older who knew something outside of my world and gave a shit about me finding my artistic self through my preferred medium. I'd probably be a better artist/thinker/writer/researcher/maker today if I'd had such a thing. Though for a high-school drop-out, I'd say I'm doing okay...

Maybe I'm Fraulein Maria. Maybe this is why I've rented The Sound of Music and I'm taking my sweet ass time watching this film, I simply can't let myself finish it or let it go. Maybe I'm that governess I always wanted and needed. Kids take to me. I take to them.
There's freedom in this kindred spiritedness!!! Kids of all ages, young and old, Austrian or not! I love to laugh, I can acclimate to moods, I love to share, make, do, play, listen, learn, teach. I go above and beyond. I'll make play clothing out of draperies and talk back to Captain Von Trapp if need be! And ohhhh, Christopher Plumber is incredibly handsome in this film! Especially when he's wooing the Baroness Schrader, but especially when he joins the children singing Maria's song and she sees him through the doorway, soaked from the overturned boat, just fired after he mistakenly calls her "Captain" and not "Fraulein", and she watches him from the afar and knows she's changed their lives for good even if it means her demise as governess (which of course, it doesn't, it's the beginning of her growing love for The Captian and the beginning of the narrative, really). The Baroness looks stunning, but she's no match for the demure, strong, confident, fair and kind Fraulein. Maybe this is why I feel so much like Maria. How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

Not only that, I sing every song from the bottom of my non-smoking lungs at top volume. DO a Deer, a female deer. RA -- a drop of golden sun!!!! "When you know the note to sing, you can sing most anything!" I'm so pissed at that little nasty traitor Raulf. I want to kick his ass and hug Liesl and remind her to follow her dreams, no matter what. Her heartache is a true thing though. One I've felt more times than I like to remember.

With that...The Sound of Music might likely be the best musical ever. Can you name all seven Von Trapp children? The Salzburg dancing montage makes me weep with happiness. The irony of the nuns singing in the Abbey about Maria and her singing when there's no singing in the Abbey isn't lost on me. Wait, I also love Hedwig!!! See, conflict abounds in this life. At all times, in all ways.

Final thoughts -- Congrats to B with the Pitt interview and I hope Figg and Mc (McFigg?) also make it back here on a more permanent level. I could live the life of a pauper one more year if my nearest and dearest friends were here.

that "to do" list looks mean

Oh Angry To-Do list, why do you stare at me so? Unassuming little yellow post-it, easily movable from place to place, never really sticking, but always lingering. Loitering. Burning holes in my flesh! Yes, I see you. Covered in my own handwriting, waiting for items to be crossed off, deleted, eliminated. You are waiting for the moment when I crumple you up and put you in the garbage can. This is your destiny and you are destroying me in your process of self-actualization!

*Application to Chapman
*Application to Asian University for Women
*Application to Interlochen
*Edit short video for second competency
*Work on reading list


Simple enough, right? Except the applications each involve compiling so much data including portfolio, personal statements, transcripts, vita, writing samples, etc.

Short video means going through all the footage I hate from Hungary and salvaging some kind of short little film together that represents my skills as a video editor.

Reading list? 40+ books to knock out by the end of April.

Dear lord! Grant me the strength! The courage, the wisdom! Or any of these three things!

Wilson and I are going to go for a run and then...I should have cleared some head space to make some headway. Or so I hope.

cut your nails short - you can type faster!

It's already April? What happened to winter? Spring is here and Pittsburgh looks beautiful. Just walking through my neighborhood with Wilson is a treat, the light downtown on the buildings around 5 pm takes my breath away and today it was 80 degrees. I've done some work on the awesome enclosed front porch of my apartment, the "randy verandy" I like to call it. Throwing the big arched french doors open every morning expands the length of my already incredibly looooooong apartment, brings sunshine and fresh air all through the house and reminds me that I truly love it here -- not just the city, but home. My home, being at home, being in this space, this place, this time. I don't think I've ever been happier living anywhere than where I am right now. 3+ months in Pittsburgh...3+ months on my own, regaining my strength, my self, rooting and growing slowly at my own self-celebrating snails pace.

March came and went like a blink. Some failures and successes along the way, of which end of the spectrum they fall upon, I have really yet to decidedly decide. The big milestone was my interview at Point Park University for the tenure track faculty position for Editing/Post-Production. Out a fairly large pool of applicants, I made it into the 8 called back for interviews (mine in person, as I am already on staff there as Adjunct faculty). From that 8, it was narrowed down to 4, and I made it into the Final Four (NCAA reference not totally lost on me). The interview was daunting, harrowing, difficult, horrible really. Not because I think I performed poorly, but simply for the stressful factors of being put under a microscope for an extended period of time by people you already work with and know. I made it out, not unscathed, but wiser and with an experience I think I needed to experience. This was only my second job interview in my entire life! And I practiced, researched, struggled, ad-libbed. One thing's for sure, I looked pretty great! I do clean up nicely sometimes. The results are yet to be determined and frankly, completely out of my hands. Whatever happens, I know I was in the top 90% of their selection pool, that whether or not I land this gig doesn't define me or change who I am or what I've worked my whole life accomplishing. It'd be sweet, no doubt, but a vote either way won't shake my solid foundation. The only variable with jobs is the kind of building, structure, I'll put on top of this core. A facade, really. It doesn't matter where or what I teach, I'm a pretty awesome instructor and I know I bring knowledge, motivation and promise to my students.

That behind me, I've amped up my level of work on completing a bunch of my PhD requirements. Looks like 2nd set of comps will be done in early May. I also need to edit together a short video of my Hungary footage which scares me, but I can do it, I think. The challenge is welcome -- well, it's not unwelcome, per se. I also hired a woman to design my new website, I've done a shit load of work on my academic writing with Deb and Lynn (for forthcoming publication and conference presentation!) and I've spent a lot of time the past few weeks getting my life organized. Only a dent made in this, but progress nonetheless.

And I started jogging! Slow, not a lot of distance so far, but I'm building up some stamina and I love the way my body aches afterwards. Nothing quite like the exquisite torture of a most stunning and painful run through Frick Park.

It's been a really productive and long day and I am going to indulge in a healthy sized glass of wine. Only 2 things left on todays "to do" list, neither of which require the operating of heavy machinary or too much conversation. One thing I am sad about, this sudden slump with a dear friend who I miss and yet can't stand the rollercoaster ride with. We'll see how that all works out.